You see, over the course of these past two weeks, bad judgement in pineapple positioning, and that of fruits in general, has attracted fruit flies to my home. It began as a minor issue, a slight pest problem, but soon the fruit flies (or more accurately, Drasophila Melanogaster ) multiplied rapidly, (oh my god, these flies breed like flies! :0) to swarm- esque numbers, to the point that it slowly became unbearable, invading our airspace, and pillaging our food. So far, the score sits- flies: one, Theo: zero.

As things progressed from bad to worse, it was my Mum was the one to think of a rather creative solution, passed on from one of our friends, to rid ourselves of these pests. We took some empty glass jars, and poured about an inch of good old diluted apple cider vinegar. We then put some bits of rotting fruit, inside the jars, so as to attract our insect friends.

Here’s where things get interesting. We then made paper funnels, which we securely taped, and placed inside the jar, with the “pointy end,” pointing down into the jar, about one inch over the vinegar solution. We then cut a hole, a good 3 centimeters in diameter, truncading our cone, and leaving a passage down into the the jar below, sealing the gap where the jar opening and paper cone meet, with clear scotch tape. Then we sat back, with… apple juice (or perhaps a little liquor of a similar colour…:-)) at hand, and observed.

The sight was hilarious. It must be due to the flies’ reduced angular resolution, but lured into the jar by the smell of rotting produce, following entry, they were trapped. I was stunned, by their sheer helplessness. Despite the evident presence of the hole, which at a good four centimeters in diameter, in comparison to the flies’ bodies was absolutely huge, they kept trying madly to move further upwards to make their escape, ignorant of the hole they entered through, and to their awe, found that their path was blocked.

They just couldn’t seem to find a way out. It was rather pathetic, but absolutely hilarious to watch (I’ll post photos and videos soon). Eventually, as their efforts failed, they were left to drown in the vinegar, and Presto! Another fly excommunicated from the gene pool. It seems that their own perception, and lack of logistical thought, and sufficient memory, have brought about their downfall. Theo one, flies zero (due to their lack of presence). I now scornfully see flies as creatures with little complex thought, or sensation, and have reduced them to purely biochemical aggregates. (An ode to scorn!)

In my own arrogant way, I like to see this as an experiment in fruit fly perception, and perhaps will go a little further with it. What shall be my next experiment, you ask? Ah, let’s put it this way… it involves mixing the vinegar, with a little vodka, come nightfall, adding a tablespoon of hydrochloric acid or two, to speed things up… and closing the jar…Muahahahahahaha!!!