How Does Faster-Than-Light Quantum Communication Work?

Every so often, I ask readers to submit their sci/tech questions, so that I can go pester people until I have some answers that I can share with the rest of the class. One recent question was: “How does faster-than-light quantum communication work?” Short answer: it doesn’t. But of course there’s more to it than that.

Bonus: entanglement explained correctly, for which I am thankful