Important Physics Public Service Announcement
Ten things to do In the Event That You Have Accidentally Swallowed the Higgs Boson
6. If the Higgs boson begins creating mass in your esophagus or stomach before you reach a hospital, you will need to perform an immediate bosonectomy on yourself. Luckily, surgical knowledge is not necessary. Just choose from the array of probable outcomes that will manifest themselves upon your decision to perform surgery, and make the one most favourable to yourself into reality. Be sensible—do not wait for the outcome in which you successfully remove the boson and win the lottery and grow wings.
Bosonectomies aren’t nearly as complicated as the corresponding operation, a Fermiplasty. The Pauli exclusion principle applies to the latter, so a hospital can only treat one patient at a time.
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Comment from Uncle Al
Time: April 9, 2009, 12:31 pm
Fermiplasty is performed on pairs of patients – one upright, the other doing a headstand. The bad part is a formally forbidden hyperfine adjustment where they reinstall your stomach upside-down (or rightside-up, depending on which patient you are).