ATLANTA — In a news conference Saturday, CNN president Ken Jautz announced that CNN’s hyperbole reserves will be empty by the end of next week.
“Despite our best efforts, we have depleted our strategic hyperbole reserves and will be unable to continue news broadcasts until we can acquire further reserves,” said Jautz to gathered news organizations.
CNN is the first victim to aggressive hyperbole trading by Fox News Channel, which has purchased or consumed nearly 90% of the American National Hyperbole Reserve.
The National Hyperbole Reserve, first established during the Cold War to ensure that the President’s speechwriters could perform their duties under any circumstances, is now nearly depleted; the National Academy of Sciences estimates only several years’ worth of hyperbole are left, and most of the supply is in the hands of Fox News.
Hyperbole supplies are essential for many organizations, such as news media, political think-tanks, and Congressional debates. Many political experts suggest that governments around the world may collapse without a new source of hyperbole being found.
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs denied claims of dramatic consequences, but also called for less dependence on foreign hyperbole, as well as hyperbole-conservation measures. “The American hyperbole deficit is astounding”, he said, adding that “the American population consumes more hyperbole than any on the planet, including China and India.”
Conservative commentators decried the move, saying that regulation of hyperbole created further unnecessary government regulation and stifled media innovation.
In a statement, a Fox News Channel spokesman denied allegations of unfair hyperbole trading, stating “We have acquired all of our hyperbole legally, and will continue to make hyperbole a central part of our business strategy.”
In other news, a leaked Pentagon report hinted at billions of dollars of untapped hyperbole deposits being discovered in Afghanistan. “There is stunning potential here,” Gen. David H. Petraeus, commander of the United States Central Command, said in an interview.
However, hyperbole experts said that the report was “totally exaggerated,” that it overstated the size and importance of the deposits, and that claims of the deposits providing a new economy for Afghanistan were overblown.
In a statement, a Pentagon expert replied, “Exactly.”