Category Archives: Satire

Important Physics Public Service Announcement

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Ten things to do In the Event That You Have Accidentally Swallowed the Higgs Boson

6. If the Higgs boson begins creating mass in your esophagus or stomach before you reach a hospital, you will need to perform an immediate bosonectomy on yourself. Luckily, surgical knowledge is not necessary. Just choose from the array of probable outcomes that will manifest themselves upon your decision to perform surgery, and make the one most favourable to yourself into reality. Be sensible—do not wait for the outcome in which you successfully remove the boson and win the lottery and grow wings.

Bosonectomies aren’t nearly as complicated as the corresponding operation, a Fermiplasty. The Pauli exclusion principle applies to the latter, so a hospital can only treat one patient at a time.

All Work and No Play Make Barack a Dull Boy

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Sasha Obama Keeps Seeing Creepy Bush Twins While Riding Tricycle Through White House

According to White House security documents, Sasha told Secret Service agents that the ghostly twins spoke to her in unison and repeatedly beckoned her by chanting the phrases “come play with us,” “come play with us, forever,” and “Daddy’s making fajitas.”

White House officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, also detailed a disturbing vision experienced by Sasha, who at several points during her encounter suddenly saw the twin girls lying motionless in a pool of spilled strawberry margaritas.

A Little Morality Play

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Imagine you are a teacher, giving tests over the course of several years. Even though you mention other behavior that is forbidden, for a long time you never tell your students that copying from a crib sheet, or another student, is wrong. It’s never listed as being against the rules. You leave the room when giving an exam, and you grade on a curve. What do you suppose will happen? If a C student does better, and in doing so starts outperforming others, forcing their grades down, will all of them chose integrity over better grades? Of course not.

You ask the students if they cheated. What answer will you get?

Phelps gets suspended, A-Rod gets … nothing

Yeah, Michael Phelps got suspended. Why? Because if he smoked pot, he broke the rules. Baseball, on the other hand, had no punishment for steroid use for the time in question. Steroids, specifically, were not “banned” until 2002, and that’s not even right, because there was no punishment for their use until 2004. So yeah, A-Rod did something commonly accepted as cheating in almost every sport, but up until baseball tested for them and had punishment, there was nothing to distinguish steroid use from vitamin supplements and eating your spinach (other than steroids needing a prescription, but that doesn’t seem to be the objection) except public perception, and public perception doesn’t sign the paycheck. So A-Rod will get some well-deserved derision and maybe lose some sponsorship money, too, but the organization that is Major League Baseball shouldn’t get free pass here, and nor should the players’ union — they resisted the implementation of these rules. Anyone discussing this? I don’t know — I’ve tried to avoid these stories. Too many sanctimonious sports pundits abound. (Personally, I think all modern electronic devices are performance-enhancing, so they’re all hypocrites if they use a word processor or cellphone to get their job done)

(Oh, and one could substitute law enforcement people not giving other law enforcement people e.g. parking tickets as another example of this, to name another example completely at random. Do they start parking illegally? You betcha.)

Redactovision

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CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years

According to the report, sections of the documents— “almost invariably the most crucial passages”—are marred by an indelible black ink that renders the lines impossible to read, due to a top-secret highlighting policy that began at the agency’s inception in 1947.

CIA Director Porter Goss has ordered further internal investigation.

“Why did it go on for this long, and this far?” said Goss in a press conference called shortly after the report’s release. “I’m as frustrated as anyone. You can’t read a single thing that’s been highlighted. Had I been there to advise [former CIA director] Allen Dulles, I would have suggested the traditional yellow color—or pink.”

Goss added: “There was probably some really, really important information in these documents.”

I Know the Election's Over …

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but there’s this

Mayor In Russia Says He Can See Sarah Palin Showering From His House

Governor Sarah Palin, the Republican Vice Presidential nominee, has said that she can see Russia from her house. Across the Bering Strait in Provideniya Bay sits the town of Provideniya, Russia and its mayor Dimitri Andropov. He says that he can see Palin showering from HIS house. “And it is very nice.”