Category Archives: Satire
One Giant Lie for Mankind
The Onion: Conspiracy Theorist Convinces Neil Armstrong Moon Landing Was Faked
Although Armstrong said he “could have sworn” he felt the effects of zero gravity while soaring out of the Earth’s atmosphere and through space, he now believed his memory must be flawed. He also admitted feeling “ashamed” that he had failed to notice the rippling of the American flag he and Buzz Aldrin planted on the surface, blaming his lack of awareness on the bulkiness of the spacesuit and his excitement about traveling to the “moon.”
“That rippling is not possible in the vacuum of space,” Armstrong said. “It must have been the wind from an air-conditioning duct that I didn’t recognize because you can’t hear a damn thing inside those helmets.”
The Emperor's New Phone
The Onion: Apple Claims New iPhone Only Visible To Most Loyal Of Customers
“I am proud today to introduce to those who really, truly deserve it, our most incredible iPhone yet,” announced Apple CEO Steve Jobs, extending his seemingly empty left palm toward the eagerly awaiting crowd. “Not only is this our lightest and slimmest model ever, but as any truly savvy Apple customer can clearly see, it’s also the most handsome product we’ve ever designed.”
Breathing Nitrous Oxide or Just Oxygen?
The Onion: Researchers Quietly Chuckling At Placebo Group
Although the trial is expected to run for two more months, Rodriguez told reporters that he almost could not wait to analyze the data, compile the results, publish the findings, and see the looks on their stupid faces.
Someone Who Shouldn't Get a Blackberry
Anyone who doesn’t get why this is considered a ‘wireless’ device.
Everyday Scientist: wireless memo book
You’ll notice that if you flip through it fast enough, it even plays movies.
The Deluge of Sarcasm
A risk you run with in the digital age is that if you do something stupid, it will almost certainly be recorded in a quasi-permanent way, in contrast to the ephemeral nature of a spoken conversation. You don’t even have the “I was misquoted” excuse when you’ve removed the human being from the equation.
Great example: Pete Hoekstra (R, Min) tweeting about the horrible mistreatment he and his colleagues have suffered.
Iranian twitter activity similar to what we did in House last year when Republicans were shut down in the House.
Not surprisingly, that set off the internet’s sarcasmotron. Lots of tweets, and a blog post devoted to it. If you don’t want to sift sort too much, here are some highlights
benhuh: @petehoekstra I had to sit in the last row of our corporate jet this morning. This is what Rosa Parks must have felt.
curtsmith: @petehoekstra, fell off my surfboard in Malibu today, now I know what D-day felt like.
donnahon: @petehoekstra Got some sand in my shoe. Now I know what it’s like to be on my third deployment in Iraq.
Jocks v Nerds
John Hodgman at Radio & TV Correspondents’ Dinner
The American Way
Anti-Terrorist Fantasy Dream Team on the Case
“I believe a fictional threat is best met with decisive fictional force,” explained President Obama. “Jack Bauer and Wolverine are among the very best we have when in comes to combating fantasy foes.” Mr. Bauer said, “We’re quite certain that our prisons are secure. Osama bin Laden and his agents wouldn’t dare attempt a break-out, and would fail miserably if they tried. But I love this country. And should Lex Luthor, Magneto or the Loch Ness Monster attack, we’ll be there to stop them.”
[…]
Republican Newt Gingrich also condemned the president’s actions. “President Obama seems to think that crapping one’s pants is a bad thing somehow,” said the former Speaker of the House, “but crapping one’s pants is what this country was founded on. The Reagan Revolution wouldn’t have happened without fear of evil Soviets and welfare queens. And say what you will about President Bush, he kept this country crapping its pants for seven long years after 9/11.”
Our Top Men Are Working on It
The Onion: NASA Embarks On Epic Delay
Top officials at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration unveiled plans this week for a comprehensive, multibillion-dollar delay—the agency’s most ambitious postponement of cosmic exploration ever.
The unprecedented delay has reportedly brought together the nation’s foremost aerospace engineers, whose combined efforts have already added 18 months of rescheduled meetings to the daring mission
The Truth Hurts
The Onion: Roster-Depleted Bears Sign Tire Swing For Cutler To Throw To
Analysts say that, while the move is somewhat unorthodox, Chicago was prudent in passing on veteran free agents Amani Toomer and Joe Jurevicius in favor of offering the tire swing a 3-year, $2.4 million contract.
I have Cutler on my Fantasy team, and he led me to our league’s Super Bowl (which I ended up losing in a stunning week-17 scoring collapse, while my opponent exploded for 97 points to overcome my 26-point lead from week 16 and win by 31). The trade to the Bears was a definite downgrade for me.