The Onion: Republicans Vote To Repeal Obama-Backed Bill That Would Destroy Asteroid Headed For Earth

“This law is a job killer,” said Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC), who argued the tax increases required to save the human species from annihilation would impose unbearably high costs on businesses. “If we sit back and do nothing, Obamastroid will result in hundreds of thousands of lost jobs, which we simply can’t afford in this economy.”

“And consider how much money this program will add to our already bloated deficit,” Foxx continued. “Is this the legacy we want to leave our children?”

The Most Serious Crisis of Our Time

Cap’n Refsmmat’s Blog of Doom: Breaking News

The National Hyperbole Reserve, first established during the Cold War to ensure that the President’s speechwriters could perform their duties under any circumstances, is now nearly depleted; the National Academy of Sciences estimates only several years’ worth of hyperbole are left, and most of the supply is in the hands of Fox News.

Hyperbole supplies are essential for many organizations, such as news media, political think-tanks, and Congressional debates. Many political experts suggest that governments around the world may collapse without a new source of hyperbole being found.

Full of Win

In case you haven’t heard already, Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert have announced a march in Washington, DC on October 30th. It’s not the “restore truthiness” theme (officially) I had mentioned a few days ago, being pushed by reddit. Instead it’s the Rally to Restore Sanity/March to Keep Fear Alive. I plan on going, and if any readers show up, you can’t miss me — I’ll be the guy wearing a shirt.

But the good news doesn’t stop there. The DonorsChoose donations have just surpassed $250,000, with a new goal of half a million by October 1st.

Faith Somewhat Restored

New Survey Reveals Why Jon Stewart is the Biggest Long Term Threat to Fox News

The newest Pew Research Center’s survey of where and how people get their news has been released, and while Fox News is still polling the oldest viewership, Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart are pulling the youngest. As Stewart educates his young viewers in the ways of FNC on a nightly basis, it is clear that he is the biggest long term media threat to Fox News.

Really, History Channel?

The plot holes of WWII

Not that the good guys are much better. Their leader, Churchill, appeared in a grand total of one episode before, where he was a bumbling general who suffered an embarrassing defeat to the Ottomans of all people in the Battle of Gallipoli. Now, all of a sudden, he’s not only Prime Minister, he’s not only a brilliant military commander, he’s not only the greatest orator of the twentieth century who can convince the British to keep going against all odds, he’s also a natural wit who is able to pull out hilarious one-liners practically on demand. I know he’s supposed to be the hero, but it’s not realistic unless you keep the guy at least vaguely human.