The Onion: Third Amendment Rights Group Celebrates Another Successful Year
The National Anti- Quartering Association, America’s foremost Third Amendment rights group, held its annual gala in Washington Monday to honor 191 consecutive years of advocating the protection of private homes and property against the unlawful boarding of military personnel.
The Onion: South African Vuvuzela Philharmonic Angered By Soccer Games Breaking Out During Concerts
Spontaneous high-caliber soccer games have thus far plagued every orchestral vuvuzela performance of the season, which opened June 11 at Cape Town Stadium. As musicians took their places in the stands and began warming up for the evening’s performance of lighter pieces by post-minimalist composers, they noticed the audience was not sitting in its traditional place in the stadium’s central area.
As the Philharmonic learned later, its only spectators were the national football sides of France and Uruguay, who played to a 0-0 tie as the frustrated vuvuzela virtuosi played a full program of concerti written for the distinctive straight plastic horn.
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I can’t wait for the next Austin Powers movie, with Vuvu Zela as the annoying Jar-Jar-Binksian sidekick who drones on and on in a loud abrasive monotone, not really talking.
Dr. Evil: Vuvu, what do you think of my evil plan?
Vuvu: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Weeeeeeeeeellllllllll, uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh …
Joe Barton apologizes to others
JOE BARTON WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO:
BP, FOR GETTING OUR OCEAN ALL MIXED UP IN YOUR OIL.
and many others …
The Oatmeal: Why I’d rather be punched in the testicles than call customer service.
AFAICT, the only step missing is where the disembodied voice tells you to key in your account number, and then when you eventually get a live person, they immediately ask you for your account number. Because the squirrels in the pneumatic-tube message delivery system have delayed the information.
Which is, of course, the speed of sarcasm
Can you guess which is the real article title? arXiv vs snarXive
I converged to 63% after 30 guesses
The snarXiv is a random high-energy theory paper generator incorporating all the latest trends, entropic reasoning, and exciting moduli spaces. The arXiv is similar, but occasionally less random.
Inappropriate Golden Books: THE BOOK!
Apparently he’s been drawing these “inappropriate” cartoons (scenes from movies but drawn in childrens’ book form) and posting them on his blog for a couple of years. As far as I can tell, he doesn’t tag or categorize his posts, so you have to go back manually to find other similar cartoons not in this post (there are several themes I’ve seen which would benefit from this), which is a pain but is also awesome, because he’s really funny.
Such as: I wanna text you up , which gives you a glimpse of things you don’t want to see other people doing while driving, and Why I hate children
What is with kids today? At the risk of sounding like an old man, you kids suck. You brats have everything you could ever want at your fingertips and it’s never enough. For example, Legos. I had Legos growing up. Colored blocks that came with instructions with no words on them. When I would cry to my mom that I had no friends… she would say “Yeah, but you’ve got a lot of Legos.” But my Legos sucked compared to what they are today. Look at this. You like Legos? Yes. You like Star Wars? Double Yes! Well here you go….a Lego AT-AT, instant awesomeness.
…
So not fair. I would have given up my Otter Pop addiction to have this as a kid. I built a Star Wars AT-AT from SCRATCH once using pieces from all of my other non-Star Wars Lego sets, because STAR WARS LEGOS WEREN’T INVENTED YET!!!
Also Fun Facts
7. Siberian Tigers do not think Frosted Flakes are that great.
8. Scientists claim that milkshakes will bring the boys to the yard.
9. The fear of women is called ‘gynaephobia’ . The fear of politicians is called ‘politicophobia’. The fear of an unqualified woman becoming a powerful politician is called ‘rational’.
[T]he infamously Machiavellian coach told his draft picks that there was no potable surface water for “hundreds of miles”; that it would be in their best interests not to attempt to contact any locals who crossed their path; that only the fruit at the very center of the thornbushes would be edible; that most of the indigenous wildlife, especially the arachnids, was very, very poisonous; and that one of the things he had just told them was a lie.
“Show me what you got, boys,” Belichick said to the group from the backseat of a spotless black Range Rover. “If you want to be on this team, I’ll see you in four days. And if you’ve been paying attention at all, you’ll know exactly what to do. Oh, you can take your blindfolds off now. “
The Onion: Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text
I didn’t read the whole thing, but since it’s The Onion, I assume it’s funny.
