Corporation Says It Will Run for Congress
With more than a twinge of irony, Murray Hill Incorporated, a liberal public relations firm, recently announced that it planned to run in the Republican primary in Maryland’s 8th Congressional District.
Unfortunately they were founded in 2005, and you need to be 25 to run for the house.
Related: Abstruse Goose: Wall Street
Why are you so terribly disappointing?
Big f–ing deal. We just do not care. It’s all a big disappointment. Hey, I was expecting to be blown away. I was expecting miracles and transformations and multiple twitching orgasms on sight. Do not come at me with tantalizing promises only to reveal that you can fulfill most of them to a fairly good degree, and not far exceed all of them in every imaginable way. We’re Americans, goddammit. Ye shall know us by the tang of our bitter and untenable jadedness.
A typical rant. I was expecting better.
BREAKING: Popeye Admits To Spinach Use
“I wish I had never touched spinach,” Popeye said in a statement. “It was foolish and it was a mistake. I truly apologize. Looking back, I wish I had never sailed during the spinach era.”
Popeye also used broccoli, a person close to Popeye said, speaking on condition of anonymity because Popeye didn’t include that detail in his statement.
If the other allegations are true, this certainly explains the Tasmanian Devil’s ‘roid rage episodes.
I haven’t watched the late shows for some time, but discussion of the recent melodrama with Leno, Conan and NBC keeps popping up everywhere, so I am mildly aware of what’s going on. And I’ve seen a number of Downfall parodies. This one made me laugh.
Definitely not G-rated subtitles.
The Onion: World’s Physicists Complete Study Of Physics
“Yeah, that about does it for physics,” said IUPAP member Sukekatsu Ushioda, powering down Japan’s Super Photon ring particle accelerator. “All done. Math can pretty much take it from here.”
Here’s a little perspective: FiveThirtyEight: The Odds of Airborne Terror
Over the past decade, according to BTS, there have been 99,320,309 commercial airline departures that either originated or landed within the United States. Dividing by six, we get one terrorist incident per 16,553,385 departures.
There is an underlying Maginot mentality to the way the TSA implements most security measures.
Santa’s database has been hacked. Another Leak, the worst so far
You’re probably talking about this terrible security disaster already: the largest database leak ever. Arweena, a spokes-elf for Santa Claus, admitted a few hours ago that the database posted at WikiLeaks yesterday is indeed the comprehensive 2009 list of which kids have been naughty, and which were nice. The source of the leak is unclear. It may have come from a renegade reindeer, or it could be the work of a clever programmer in the Ukraine. Either way, it’s a terrible black eye for Santa. Arweena promised that in the future, access to this database would be restricted on a “need to know” basis. And you know who that means!
Groups Say 22 Million Missing Bush White House E-Mails Found
At last. Proof that the eight years prior to this one were all a hoax.