Let's Get That LHC Running Already

15 uses for micro black holes

Use 10: Hang posters without tacks
Attention college students! Did you know that tacking posters to the wall of your dorm room can result in fines and loss of security deposits? Well, with mini-black holes, pin-holes and spackle patches are a thing of the past. Place tiny black holes on the wall, press your Zodiac Lovers poster on the wall until it is firmly fastened, and enjoy the results with all your friends. Unlike other fasteners, these won’t peel off in hot or cold temperatures, they will keep your posters where they belong. At the end of the year, simply tear down your posters. And if a do-gooder resident assistant tries to inspect the holes on your wall, just stand back, light up a joint, and watch as they are sucked into another dimension.

Note that I don’t actually advocate the use of illegal controlled substances, like micro black holes.

The World Will Not End, Thanks to a Technicality

I’m sorry, this is abuse. You want 12A, next door.

Day of reckoning for doomsday lawsuit

Basically the decision came down to an issue of jurisdiction: Wagner and a co-plantiff made their claim under the National Environmental Protection Act (NEPA). But NEPA only applies to “major federal actions,” and the judge said that the US contribution to the LHC (US$531 million or about 10% of the overall cost) was too small to constitute a major federal project.

Faulty Transformer was a Ruse — the Real LHC Update

Large Hadron Collider spitting out lost socks

“It started on Tuesday, when a single white gym sock was found inside the collider,” said Dr Thomas Engelson. “At first, we thought it was a prank or something left behind by one of the construction workers. We removed it, and, following our next high-energy collision, the accelerator was found to have filled with more than one hundred thousand socks. They had popped out of all the tiny black holes the collider produces.”

Immediately following their appearance, the socks were warm to the touch. Engelson said that it was probably the result of the energy dispelled at being burped from the black holes, but scientists are investigating the possibility that they have come straight from people’s tumble dryers.

“They were also full of static,” said Engelson. “It is absolutely conceivable that the socks have been transported directly from tumble dryers, via some undiscovered, invisible vortex created by the heat, static and repetitive circular motion of a tumble dryer.” The only thing confusing this theory is that the fibres on some analysed socks date back to the early 1900’s, a few years after the clothes dryer was invented.